It’s been a weird couple of days of bursting into tears.
First, there are things like Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows, which I watched yesterday for the umpteenth time. At two or three points I was just choking back the feeling of my face expanding, trying not to lose all my shit at once.
Then I was reading some article somewhere about Father’s Day, and despite having spoken to my father mere hours earlier with no mawkishness or nostalgia, the dam broke and I had to hold it together in this Starbucks.
I get misty thinking about moving to my new apartment — that I still haven’t found yet.
I watch a woman sweep up spilled coffee beans, see her ease, meticulousness, and suddenly am so overwhelmed by the largeness of life that I can barely breathe. I’m imploding and have to stop myself, again, from unraveling in public.
My brain seems broken. It always reminds me of debate team in high school — of causation, of one thing leading to another leading to another. We’d debate environmental policy and at the end of the causation argument would be, logically, nuclear war. I was good at that. I do it naturally. Woman sweeping spilled coffee beans = the world is huge, chaotic, kind, cruel, all at once.
